Faith in God is an opening up, letting go, a deep trust, a free act of love- but sometimes it was hard to love. Sometimes my heart was sinking so fast with anger, desolation and weariness, I was afraid it would sink to the very bottom of the pacific and I would not be able to lift it up
At such moments I tried to elevate myself. I would touch the turban and would say out loud, “THIS IS GOD’S HAT!”
I would pat my pants and say aloud “THIS IS GOD’S ATTIRE!”
I would point to Richard Parker and say aloud, “THIS IS GOD’S CAT!”
I would point to the lifeboat and say aloud, “THESE ARE GOD’S ARK!”
I would spread my hands wide and say aloud, ” THESE ARE GOD’S WIDE ACRES!”
I would point at the sky and say aloud, “THIS IS GOD’S EAR”
And in this way I would remind myself of creation and my place in it.
But God’s hat was always unraveling God’s pants were falling apart. God’s cat was a constant danger. God’s ark was a jail. God’s wide acres were slowly killing me. God’s ear didn’t seem to be listening.
Despair was a heavy blackness that let no light in or out. It was a hell beyond expression. I thank God it always passed. A school of fish appeared around the net or a knot cried out to be re-knotted Or I thought of my family, of how they were spared this terrible agony. The blackness would stir and eventually go away,
and God would remain, a shining point of light in my heart. I would go on loving